For once, I know why I’m here, going in this direction, at this particular time.  No one forced this upon me, no one told me I had to do anything.  And yet, I did.  I’m not exactly sure why, but I did.

It’s not because this particular relationship wasn’t working out.  In fact, maybe, it was working out a little too well, a bit too quick.  So, a decided I needed some boundaries, something to hold me back a little.

I was feeling like I was on the edge of something exhilarating and terrifying and possibly life changing.  But it freaked me out at the same time, because what if it LOOKS awesome from the view I have right now, and it’s not up close?  What if I fell too far, too fast, and nobody saved me, like I had imagined in my perfect fairy tale daydreams? What if this isn’t the right time?  Is it?  What if it’s all in my head, and I’m being delusional and this is TOTALLY one sided, and no one really cares?

And now, things in the relationship are going to be different. A little, maybe a lot.  Because of my decision.  I am not complaining at all. Yes, this adaptation is not going to be the same as what I had known before.  Yes, I will adjust. It’s not that big of a deal…. but why does it feel like it?  Maybe it won’t be “fun”.  I don’t know how long I’m going to have to wait either.

This change feels kind of weird, and foreign.  But, in spite of both of those emotions, one thing is for certain.  I feel much safer and more in control of myself and my emotions.  Like, I’m suddenly not 2 inches away from the edge and not quite sure if I’m ready for this.  I’ve stepped back a foot or two, and maybe, someday down the road, that ledge will still be there , and then, I’d be able to safely and confidently  jump off into something really really amazing.  But, that might not happen.  I might have stepped back for good and might not ever get to fulfill that dream… idea…. whatever it is. Ugh.  It’s really hard to say right now, far too early.  I don’t know anything.  And I hate assuming.

But, I do know this.  Waiting will not kill me, or anyone else.  Seasons don’t last forever. And I don’t think I could ever be too careful with this.  There’s more than me to think about here.